She is in my trunk
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
