Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
