M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
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I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
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When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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