she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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