I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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