I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
