Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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