Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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