3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
