Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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