billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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