There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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