my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
