Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
