I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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