Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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