The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
