I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
