WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize