About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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