Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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