just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
