Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
