I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
