genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
