i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
