She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
