Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
There's always time for handjobs
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
