he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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