The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize