You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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