I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I FOUND THE LEGS
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