Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
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She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
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I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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