It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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