JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
