Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
