He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
