The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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