My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
