Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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