Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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