Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
