the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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