Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
