i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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