you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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