Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
