and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
