he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
