What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
