Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
