Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
