i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
