we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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